Why are you doing this to yourself?

I know—it’s been almost six months since my last post, but a lot has happened since I logged off and deleted my Facebook account for the last time.

I haven’t really missed Facebook all that much. I did go back to IG and set up an account, which is mostly for my photography. I haven’t been doing a whole lot of photography lately, so I don’t go on there very often. Back when I was more active on social media, Facebook was more of a problem than Insta ever was, so I don’t see my return as a failure.

So what have I been doing with the extra time? Reading, knitting, watching YouTube videos, yoga, and dance classes are among the activities I find myself drawn to most of the time. Most importantly, I’ve had more time to reflect on the current state of my life now and what I want it to look like moving forward.

Like a lot of people, the pandemic has been a time of reflection. While the pandemic is not yet over, I know that I will not emerge from it the same person that I was going in. I have battled anxiety and depression among the uncertainty of the pandemic and my husband’s job situation. As I developed more clarity about the direction of my life, I’ve also become less tolerant about what I’m willing to put up with from other people.

With other people, I’ve considered myself a pretty patient person, wanting to give them grace and the benefit of the doubt when they’ve treated me and/or others less than respectfully. I do have my limits (and an ex-husband to show for it), but I’ve realized that there are still parts of my life need to be reassessed and dealt with—namely my career.

I’ve been with my current employer for 23+ years and in my career field for about 25 years. As for the career itself, I’ve accomplished what I set out to accomplish. That alone would certainly be enough justification to consider at least a change to a different type of role within my career field, if not a complete career change. As for the employer, even if I knew for sure that I wanted to continue doing what I am currently doing indefinitely, I definitely don’t want to be doing it there. A formerly very pleasant, trusting, and collegial work environment has sadly grown more toxic. Upper management is quite dysfunctional. Many people in the middle management ranks and below have left or are considering exit strategies. Since I just can’t afford to up and quit (yay bills! 💸), I’m among those who are developing an exit strategy. Stick a fork in me and call me done. 🍴

After looking at my options, I’ve decided to make a career switch. Job opportunities in my current line of work are not terribly plentiful and I want something that will offer more flexibility in when and where I work from. A nice salary is also a plus. On that note, when I do leave my current employer, I will technically be “retiring” and will start to draw a decent pension right away. It’s not enough to live on, but will be a nice addition to what I will eventually be bringing in once I start my first job in my new career.

I have made a decision about my career and I’ll soon be starting online training to make the switch to a career in IT. Job opportunities are plentiful, the money is good, and the flexibility I’m looking for is there (think working from home while wearing yoga pants! 😁). Another plus is that I can use a good bit of the skills and experience I’ve gained in my current career in this career. I will definitely be discussing my experiences going through this transition here so keep an eye out.

As for the byline of this post—this is where I explain it. As a way to get my body moving and to deal with all the stress of work and other things, I’ve made it a point to develop and maintain a regular yoga/meditation practice. I’ve discovered that when I allow myself to get still and clear my mind, my inner voice will reveal truths that I wouldn’t otherwise be able to hear above the other noise in my head. During a recent savasana (last pose of a yoga practice also known as corpse pose where you lie completely still for a few minutes with your eyes closed), that inner voice asked me:

“Why are you doing this to yourself?”

I know it could apply to other things, but I suspect that it applies at least in part to my current work situation. I know that I deserve better and I am working on a plan to make that happen. I think it’s also a reminder for me to be kinder to myself as I’m working my way through this situation and the other things I currently have going on. I will do my best to do that and continue to listen to the truth that my inner voice speaks.